Log in

The last 'History of the World' I did was about two years ago, so that has itself become history. (HILARIOUS JOKE ABOUT UPDATING SCHEDULE)

One of the most influential and well known civilisations taught in Primary schools is the Romans. But forget everything you were taught in schoolings year, because it is all lies! I know the truth and I am going to tell you about right now and HERE.

The Roman Empire started off in Romania and gradually expanded and engulfed much of Europe, bringing with it culture and technology, like, for example, Aqueducts, sea shells and buggery. Today, many Italians see this as utterly pointless, and it was. Many Historians today believe the main motivating factor behind Rome's imperialism was complete boredom. This is very understandable, countless times have I got fed up with doing work and decided to occupy my neighbour's back garden for a few years.


One of the most famous figures in Roman history is Julian Caesar. Julian Caesar realised before anyone else how stupid Top Gear was, and so banned it - which is why you will never see Jeremy Clarkson depicted in an ancient Roman text. Caesar was later murdered on the 15th of March by Global Warming deniers, including his best friend Brutus so he was pretty miffed about that.

Other well-known Roman emperors include Augustus, who got Jesus a little cross, Nero, who piddled while Rome burnt (didn't really put it out), Caligula, who slept with a donkey and Claudius who was the best person ever.

The Romans famously fought some wars with Carthage over a small piece of clothing in the Tunic Wars, which Rome won because Carthaginians are bastard-coward-surrendering losers who come to this country and scrounge off benefits and steal our jobs and women and money and then leave drugs all over the place so I'm glad the Romans killed them, although some of my best friends are from Carthage so I'm not racist.

After constant attacks by foreign barbers, like Saxons and Gauls called Asterix, the Roman Empire eventually collapsed and Europe was plunged into the Dark Ages. So thanks for that, idiots.


What did the Romans do for us?
The Romans did a lot for us, but nothing for me directly, so that pisses me off a lot. It is true they invented communal toilets and stuff, but not once did they buy me a present or even pick something up after I dropped it.

Were the Romans bigotted?
No, so don't blame Sue. The Romans were only casual racists and they were ahead of their time in women's rights by legalising female inequality. However, they were very homophobic in that they only used straight roads (funny joke).

Did the Romans ever beat their children?
How the fuck should I know

Were the Romans great lovers?
The Romans were well known for being great lovers, which is where we get the word romance from. However, they did not make babies in the conventional test tube way, their method of procreation was much more simple. I'm not going to tell how they did it, but it involved gravity.

Were the Romans ahead of their time?
No, they lived at the time they were in, how could they be ahead of their time? They didn't invent time machines, you know.

Did the Romans invent Time Machines?
No you idiot, I just answered that.

Did the Roman Empire have a slogan?
Yes! The Roman Empire's slogan or motto or word repeater thing was S.P.Q.R, which isn't just random letters, it does in fact stand for 'Senatus Populusque Romanus', which is gobbledygook for 'Romans are the bestest'.

And that concludes our Q&A for today. And tomorrow too. Most days I won't bother doing this.

Some Romans suffered from mental illness.

Next time, on History of the World: Well it could be about the dark ages or maybe the Victorians if I decide I hate chronological order. Probably out in about 12 years.

You know what's really gross?

National Product. EUGH.
Joss Whedon is the biggest prat ever. If I were to list my "biggest prats", he would be up there with Piers Morgan, Bill O'Reilly and that opera singing guy from the GoCompare ad. I don't understand why he is held in such high regard. His shows are badly written, the dialogue is awful and, for a feminist, he seems to have a pretty narrow minded view of women. Plus he is ginger. I mean honestly: Firefly fans are always raving about how his show should have been more popular and it was FOX's fault for not showing it properly or advertising it badly or whatever. Well... no. It wasn't FOX's fault. It was Whedon's fault for writing such a cheesy and boring Sci-Fi, with bland characters and less than enthralling storylines. And because their beautiful show of orgasm-inducement and wealth endownment has been taken off air after lack of ratings, they now feel persecuted and have some kind of community-connection, like a minority group.

His shows suck so much! Buffy is absolute arse, I don't care about it. I haven't watched Dollhouse, but I'm assuming it's arse and Dr. Horrible was about as funny as an arse (as amusing as arses can be). Why do they apparently take so many episodes to get into, too? I've been told so many times "wait a while, when you'll be hooked." Sounds similar to heroin. No thanks, now sod off, I don't like it.

These 'Whedonites' or twats, as I prefer to call them, have built some kind of cult around this terrible writer, and for some reason hold him in high regard. I find this really disturbing. It's as if Joss (or Jossua) has become the new Stalin, or some kind of cult leader, with brainwashed yet unwashed Whedonite nerds watching his lacklustre TV like it's some kind of late night porno. And their ejaculate is PURE GOLD.

Anyway, I find this rather worrying. I've actually been asked to donate money to increase the community size and reach more people. Sounds to me like a collection plate, albeit one that sells DVDs. The Whedon cult brainwashes more and more people everyday, making Whedon richer and richer and his ego bigger and bigger. I fear this is a world takeover. What with his heroin-TV and army of nerds in cloaks (I made up the cloaks) I fear for this planet. Because if that nob runs a country as well as he makes a TV show, we'll be in flames after a few weeks.

Not yet frightened? Look at some of these comments from his website:

Iwantawhedding223: "OMG Joss I love you so much! Please impregnate me."
CheeseRegarder: "Joss, I was wondering, could you please acknowledge me? If you don't I'll kill myself. Cheers."
SithLord: "What is thy bidding my master?"
jjuko987: "Click here for a real pill penile increasing drug - really works! All natural ingredients."
The_Large_Monkey: "Joss, the unbeliever has been taken care of. Anyone else who's written anti-Whedon blog entries about you?"

If you find those scary, bear in mind I had to MAKE THEM UP because the real ones were to disturbing for both of my naive and virtuous readers.

How Whedon has built this cult I'm not sure. I had no idea an auteur could become the new messiah just by being... well an auteur. So in an attempt to get my beedlites up and running, I have become one too. See? Look at the title! Now suck my digital cock, recite the beedle prayer and donate money to me.

gjitha beedle breshër. whedon është një ferrë. gjitha breshër beedle. Unë e di kjo është e duket si ajo është në gjuhën shqipe, por kjo është në beedlish, ata janë shumë të ngjashme. gjitha beedle breshër. gjitha dorëzani beedle. gjitha breshër beedle. paragrafi i vocërr.

gjitha breshër beedle sepse ai është sexy. përshëndes të gjithë atë. atë që ju duhet të përshëndes. tim zot koha e përshëndetur. beedle breshër.

25 ways to kill someone you don't like

1. Cut off her limbs and invite her for a scuba diving expedition.
2. Make her dress up as Hitler in a synagogue.
3. Force-feed her laxatives and then sellotape her anus together.
4. Make someone with AIDS rape her.
5. Convince her that Molotov cocktails are a tasty beverage.
6. Hypnotise her into thinking she is a lemming.
7. Wait for the Nazis to open the arc, then tell her she should keep her eyes open.
8. Take her to a park then swap her swing for a noose.
9. Tie her up, put her on a train track then kick the shit out of her.
10. Give her brain an abortion.
11. Convince some ninjas she is David Carradine.
12. Make her snort black widow eggs.
13. Glue some leaves on top of a grenade and tell her it is a pineapple.
14. Taker her long-jumping on a cliff.
15. Make her legally change her name to 'Ethel', then summon the ghost of Harold Shipman.
16. Tell her Death Valley is "actually ironic".
17. Offer free liposuction, but then change the setting on the machine to 'reverse'.
18. Tell some Americans she is a communist.
19. Make her have intercourse with a blue whale.
20. If she has open heart surgery, swap her heart for a tomato.
21. Dress her up as a chicken, then put her in a cage with 50 cats.
22. Make her declare war on a world power.
23. Tell her if she bangs her skull against a rock fifty times a genie will appear and she will get three wishes.
24. Make her go to Alabama whilst wearing a Richard Dawkins mask.
25. Convince gravity is a "government conspiracy."

may I interject at this point

Oh look I'm posting a liveJournal entry thing. I've neglected the poor thing. I don't have anything to say either, other than "It's fucking hot in here" and "I love you". *You know who you are.

Is it just me, or is "I'd do anything for love" by Meatloaf about some sick sexual request, most likely involving toasters, crustaceans and inflatable hammers?

*you don't

Slightly Improvised Ramble

"Greetings friends, brothers and sisters, I would like to tell you about our religion, the church of MMMMPH"

Okay, I don't remember saying that at all, but it was saved in my draft, so I must have been going to write about it months ago. What the hell is the church of MMMPH. Maybe the reason I've forgotten is some sort of government conspiracy, and I've been brainwashed, so as not to tell anybody about the teachings of MMMPH. I wonder what the commandments are...

I don't even know what MMMPH is supposed to be. Is it a groan, a mumble or the sound of a goose receiving anal sex?

...What? Don't look at me like that! I don't know what a goose being goosed sounds like. Are you saying you do? Well, if you're into that sort of bird (ba-dum).

Sorry that's not even remotely amusing, I basically just let my mind wander. My fingers did all the talking... I'm basically just typing the first thing that comes into my head A.K.A. bollocks. I haven't updated for AGES... probably because of laziness, also because it's hard to find inspiration. I used to easily be able to think up a theme that I can write about seventy-hundred paragraphs for... but it can be quite hard. And if I don't think of a subject I usually end up writing shit like this (see: my smash bros. annoyance last year - scroll down a little). So sorry about that...

Unless you prefer this weird style, I'd probably update more often if people actually liked it. I know some pre-thoughted entries have been crap though. Like the anti-Big Brother one.  But when I randomly ramble like this I can't help but think it comes across as... well bit stupid.

So in summary, follow the teachings of MMMPH, and goose a goose.

Ah, fanboys. Doesn't everyone hate them? I read an article about the worst types of fanboy, the usual were listed, Nintendo fanboys, Mac lovers, the rest. But they missed out one of my main hatreds... the anime fanboy (or to be P.C., fanperson). We've all seen them, some of them may not annoy you like they piss me off, but here I hope to explain why the are the equivelant of Satan's sperm and how they can fix this without suicide.

1. Stop being so happy. I know optimism is nessecary, or us pessimists wouldn't get anything done... but them? Stop smiling so much, seriously. I understand in One Piece land everything's happy and smiley, but this isn't One Piece land - it's a starvation filled, disease ridden unfair world, where not everybody loves you (especially me). Which isn't to say they should become depressed (maybe dye their hair black, wear women's clothes and get laughed at my everyone else), just... tone it down. Stop shitting rainbows; you're bringing everyone else down.

2. What the hell is it with the hugs? Seriously! In theory, it is good - random girls running up to you and grabbing your abdomen; no complaints from me... but not while I'm doing stuff... and give me some warning too. And they're surprised when I kick them in the crotch, out of reflex.

3. Rape is not funny. Okay, it can sometimes be funny, in dark humour, but when happy people excessively say "I RAPED YOO LOLOLOLOLOLOL"... that's not funny. It's stupid. I'd like to see you laugh with a dry cock up your anus. "HAHAHAH, YOU'RE RAPING ME, THIS IS SOOOOOO FUNNY. Hehe I'm traumatised". Anime fanpeople - you're taking too far, stop it. Or we will be forced to take action.

4. Cosplayers... ugh... they're essentially playing fancy dress, and not in a fun party sort of way, just a sad "grow up" one. They're doing something my little sister did when she was about six. All it shows is that you spent your free time fucking sewing a shit costume together. Plus members of the public may report you to the police (although some older anime fans may not notice the difference).

5. Anime is no better than any other form of entertainment. It's not "amazing", however much you write a shit fanfiction. All anime has that other forms of entertainment tends not to have, is crap animation. Okay, I'll admit some are good, like Akira, or One Piece, but so does everything else.

6. Especially Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, that is especially shit. Comedy, my arse, I've had more comedic acne. Anyone who likes these schoolgirl sitcoms should end it now.

7. Stop listening to Japanese music. I'm sure it's very good, but when you just listen to J-pop, or J-rock, or hepititus-J or whatever, that's just sad. Although I'll admit it is funny when they randomly throw in English words that don't make sense. "私はチーズを、ヤギの膣のNOをはい食べないためになぜはい YOU ARE MY HEART 本のバナナ、風味がよいヤギの風味がよいヤギはいはいはい愛しない YEAH!"

8. I'd also like to add hentai is just a 2D, freaky, poor man's porno.

9. We could go into 'otakus', 'japanophiles' or 'weeaboos' or whatever the hell they're called, but they already pitiable an- no, wait, sure, why not, they deserve it, the fucking ingrates. Here's the news - Japan isn't the land of  milk, honey and happiness. Not everyone there is a ninja and not everybody is SO SUPER HAPPY ^____^ KAWAAIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, so go and die, you filth.



Twitter is a sort of blogging site. It lets you create small blog posts, or teets (sorry, tweets) that are limited to a small amount of characters. These are designed to let people know what you're doing. Sounds stupid doesn't it? Well... it is. Let's have a look a what the twitter website says is so good about this new 'phenomenon'. Commentary by moi.

Video can be found here

" "So what are you doing?" - It's one of the first things we often ask friends and family..."

Maybe it is for you Mr. Social-Reject, but I prefer proper conversations. You know, talking about interesting things. Usually the thing I've phoned someone up for. And if I'm talking to someone in person, I can usually do this crazy thing called 'looking' and find out what it is they're doing that way.

"Even if the answer is just mowing the lawn or cooking the dinner, it's interesting to us..."

No, no it isn't.

"It makes us feel connected and a part of eachothers' lives..."

...Does it? I'm pretty sure it's only small talk.

"Unfortunately, most of our day to day lives are hidden from the people that care..."

It is called privacy. The only people who care are the police, and judging by their performance when it comes to crime, they don't seem to much either...

"...Of course we have email and blogs and phone to keep us connected..."

Woo blogs

"But you wouldn't send an email to a friend to tell them you're having coffee..."

I'm beginning to think you would.

"Your friend doesn't need to know that..."

I believe I have already somewhat established that.

"But, what about the people that want to know about the little things that happen in your life?"

I don't think people give a shit whether or not I'm eating a sandwich. Who are these people that want to know? They sound like stalkers. Have you tried to get help?

"Real life happens between blog posts and emails. And now, there's a way to share..."

There has always been a way to share, write stuff in your blog or in an email after the event happens.

"This is Twitter in plain English..."

Really? There was me thinking I'd been watching the video in Dutch so far.

"Thanks to Twitter, it's possible to share short, bite-sized updates about your life..."

Wow, all thanks to Twitter... ugh...

"And follow the updates of people that care to you, via the web..."

There is a difference between caring about someone and caring about what they happen to be doing, you know...

"Here's how it works..."

Well I think I've already made my mind up about Twitter, but why not? Surprise me. Maybe you use fish to send the messages or something. Then it would be awesome...

"Meet Carla..."

Sod off, Carla.

"She's addicted to her mobile phone, reads blogs everyday and has contacts all over the world..."

Good for her, I suppose. I think this is the part of the video where we are supposed to empathise and go "Oh yes, that sounds exactly like me; I will copy her, for I am an idiot."

"She heard about Twitter and was sceptical..."

Good for her!

"After some of her friends couldn't stop talking about it"

"God, have you heard about that Twitter? What a load of arse" "I concur" etc.

"She gave it a try..."

You weak minded coward! Falling for these Jedi mind tricks.

"She signed up for free..."

Well come on, what idiot would pay money for this?

"...and saw that Twitter pages look like blogs with very short posts..."

Wow, that's amazing. Sign me up straight away.

"Each page is personal and has updates from friends. She got started by looking up her friends on Twitter.com"

I doubt she has friends.

"After finding a few, she clicked 'follow' to start seeing their updates on her Twitter page..."

I didn't know six foot tall invisible animals could use a computer.

"Within hours she began to see a different side of the people she chose to follow..."

Yep, a sad and depressing one.

"She didn't know that Steve in Seattle was a baseball fan..."

Well given he lives in the U.S. how is that supposed to be surprising?

"Or that Julia in London was reading a new investment book..."

Can't help but think we were better off not knowing.

"The little messages on Twitter painted a picture of her friends, family and co-workers that she'd never seen before..."

Yes yes, different side, we've been here before, hurry up.

"It was the real world..."

I'm afraid it couldn't be further from the real world, unless the website was run by leprechauns and fuelled Mugabe's sanity.

"Soon she became a fan and posted updates everyday..."

Fuck you Carla. You disappoint me.

"Her friends followed her updates and learnt that she recently discovered a passion for Van Halen..."

Good for her...?

"They could see Carla's life between blogs and emails..."

So they could basically see the most uninteresting aspects of her life?

"For Carla, Twitter worked for her because it was simple..."

Bit like her then (hoho).

"The updates were always short, under 140 characters..."

Now it just looks like she has a short attention span.

"Plus she could post updates and follow her friends..."

What do you mean "plus"? I thought that was the whole point of Twitter.

"Using the Twitter website, software on her browser a mobile phone or instant messages..."

Okay, I'll give you that. You probably can do that on Twitter.

"By asking members to answer the question "What are you doing?", Carla found that Twitter brought her closer to people  that matter to her..."

I don't think Carla has a social life at all. Just her pretend friends on Twitter.

"140 characters at a time..."

I'm honestly trying to work out how limiting what you can say is a selling point.

"Find out what your friends are doing at Twitter.com"

I can just imagine - "2.30: Just took a shit. Was big and filled with sweetcorn."

"I'm Lee LeFever..."

Paha, I think it says something that you're named after a disease.

"And this has been Twitter in plain English on the common craft show..."

And this has been "Why Twitter is absolute bollocks in plain English" on beedle's blog.

Whine and Cheese Party

Dear BBC,

 It has been brought to my attention about the disgusting behaviour and distasteful humour of your so called "comedies". Quite frankly, as a seven-hundred-and-something year old, I am appalled that two "comedians" should do something as disgraceful as leave messages on that poor man, Andrew Sachs's phone. I didn't hear the show and wouldn't normally give a fuck about this sort of thing, but everyone else is complaining, so I am now disgusted by what you class as "entertainment".

How dare two grown men actually tell a man about how one slept with his granddaughter. This innocent girl should be left alone, instead of being degraded like this. She just wants to get on with her career without being treated like a sex object. She needs privacy! Poor girl said her grandfather should be "left alone" and that the media should "stop giving all this publicity". If any of you saw the interview where she gave to the UK's most popular newspaper, you too would realise she deserves more privacy.

And that aside, the radio program was most inappropriate. I heard it had foul language and whatnot, so I went straight to youtube and listened to the show, just so I could be offended. And I was! I heard the f word at least once, as well as mentions of sex and lady parts. These words came as a shock to me, even though I had heard them before.

And after all this; we hear about how your televisual entertainment program, "Mock the Week" made jokes about the Queen. How dare these people make small, mildly inoffensive jokes at our unelected monarch! I'm complaining on the behalf of her majesty, since I feel it is my duty to become offended for someone else. She may not have commented herself, but I'm sure she is deeply distraught, which is why I'm standing up for her.

And they did the jokes at such a delicate time, just after a few weeks before the rudeness of the Ross/Brand controversy. They should have known better! And anyone who it's a coincidence that the repeat's joke about her majesty was brought up at the same time as Sachs's grandslag is a complete moron, because I do not jump on any sort of bandwagon and I never will. My friends, who complained a while ago, have never done so either!

And finally, Jeremy Clarkson recently made foul comments about some murdered prostitutes nearly two years ago! How dare he bring that up again. He stereotyped and demeaned all truck drivers, despite them saying they liked the joke. I may be not be a trucker, but I met someone who knew one once.

So BBC, I hope you change your ways now! I understand people enjoy this sort of thing, and only a minority, who tend to be nearly 100, are actually mildly offended, but stop doing it before you get more angry bandwagon-jumpers writing letters about this inoffensive comedy.

Yours sincerely,

Mona E. Bitch

PS. I am a fucking moron who complains because I am the type who jumps on the bandwagon.

PPS. Please ban me from contact to the outside world.

Yes, I know I haven't been keeping to my weekly updating schedule, but frankly, I had more important things to do. Like Watching some paint dry. Okay, I admit it, I couldn't be arsed. I got lots of complaints, not necessarily about the blog, but I got lots of complaints. So here it is, you demanding bastards. I hope you think it was worth it. You sicken me.

So yeah, last time we looked at that freak African country Egypt, and how it wasted it's time by building giant triangles and writing in wingdings font, instead of doing something constructive, by, for instance, making something useful. Anyway, this week, we're going to look at the Ancient Greeks. They're almost as boring as the Egyptians were.

Greece is a country in the Mediterranean, which if you didn't know... well there's no helping you. You thick sod. Greece is so-called because it's population never wash their hair, not because, as many people think, of a certain musical. The Greeks invented many useful things, which I will inform you about, now. Look down! Just there. The paragraph below. It's not that far. Hurry up and read it! Why are you still reading this paragraph, you're doing it wrong! Down. Oh sod off.

One of the many things the Ancient Greeks invented were coined money. Before coins, people used paper, and so when it came to throwing things at referees, we unfortunately had to use paper, (or before actual money had been invented, we used traded goats and stuff). Which brings me onto their next invention -streaking!

Well, sort of. One of the things Greece is most famous for, are the Olympics. Yes, we know they suck arse, but we have the Greeks to thank for ruining our TV slot, and embarrassing the whole of England by making Boris Johnson do some more speeches. Also, as I'm sure you know, the Olympics were done naked, hence the streaking. I can't help but think naked men's relay would have had interesting results. And if anyone turns that into a gay innuendo, you lose points for predictability. Kill yourself, now.

The Ancient Greeks also invented the Snickers, after someone ran along way to say that the Persians had lost the Battle of Snickers. Oh, and they are also (partly) to blame for the ridiculous amount of  "This is Sparta", '300', references which people say and then think they're a genius in internet culture, when in actual fact they are about as witty as poultry. And I'm not talking about smart poultry, like Foghorn Leghorn, I'm talking about dyslexic chickens. Same goes for Chuck Norris and "Over 9000" jokes. Please stop; they're almost as old, now, as Ancient Greece itself.

Yes, I'm afraid that's it for this week. I've been a little busy and, if I'm honest, I ran out of ideas and Greek inventions, sorry. But perhaps I will be able to do some more next week. Sorry to both of my readers.

This is what game up when I Google Image searched "Greek Gods". Quite frankly, this picture is much better than Zeus could ever be.

Next time on History of the World: Something historical is taken the piss out of.